Moods

I have again found myself at a point where I struggle to build motivation and provoke myself to further my investigations.  I have been given a great gift in the time that I have available to do nothing.  Today, I realized that I simply wanted today to pass.  Not in the hopes of tomorrow, not in the hopes of ending today, but in hopes of passing time and possibly reaching a new point of motivation.  If I am in one of my moody bouts, I am often unable to rally myself to do the things that I am not necessarily obligated to do, but would benefit me in some way.  Today was the first time I could sit down and read in weeks, and even that came only from a motivating trip to Barnes & Noble.  I browse the titles, wishing I could possess the knowledge that they contain.  It often motivates me to read and study, but it also reminds me that I will never know everything that I wish to know.

I don't know if I will ever contribute to the body of scientific knowledge.  I don't know if I will ever build public awareness of ideas.  Perhaps my motivational and focus issues will prevent me from ever achieving anything truly great.  This all feels pointless without the prospect of benefiting others through my knowledge, yet for now, the fruit of my work must simply be the satisfaction of knowing more and answering the questions that lead to the ultimate question: what am I?  If God indeed has a plan for what I will do, then it is not necessarily my place to know the plan in advance.  That is, assuming that God has a plan.