Beginnings

I never thought it would come to this.  Me, a blogger.  Go figure.

I desperately need an outlet.  I am finding no satisfaction in conversation with those around me.  No one I speak with sees things the way I see them and are unable to offer the guidance I seek.  I should have been chronicling my investigations for years now, but I suppose late is more advantageous than never.

I told myself that I would follow the truth wherever that lead.  I am now faced with the realization that I may not be capable of abandoning the ideas to which I have cleaved my entire life.  Frustratingly, this aligns precisely with my long-held ideas.  Christianity says that the Holy Spirit --whom I, a member of God's kingdom, posses-- will uphold and preserve me.  He has promised to seal and guard my faith.  I have long been convinced that I am one of the elect.  If that is the case, then I have nothing to fear and all this doubt will merely be a mechanism that will strengthen and deepen my faith, ultimately leading to my salvation.  But do I have the courage to ever reject the only world I have ever known at the cost of my relationship with my family and friends?  I know that my parents would continue to love me, but their hearts would be broken if their son were to become an atheist. I still have many hurdles that would need to be crossed in order to reach such a point, but would I be able to do it if that's where the evidence led?  Never in my life has my faith felt weaker-- a phrase I have said many times only to subsequently have it bolstered twenty-fold.

I become very frustrated knowing that I can never objectively analyze all of the evidence-- not that pure objectivity would even bring me to the truth.  It frustrates me that the exact things that I see and experience directly contradict each other.  Faith contradicts logic; logic contradicts faith.  Neither can be relied upon.  How do I find truth?  Truth cannot be adequately distinguished in the word of others.  Every argument has a counter-argument.  Is it even possible to be right?  My desperate desire is to escape this body and see the world through some form that is not bound by neurological affect and presuppositions.  Without being able to do this, how am I to divide truth from falsehood?

The foundation of the Christian faith is the cross.  I vowed that I would not abandon faith unless there was no other choice.  Christianity would, by default, be correct until proven wrong without possibility of reconciliation.  I have no reason to flippantly sacrifice all that I have known without having absolute certainty.  Such an argument is fundamentally illogical, but my faith dictates that logic is not the foundation of my knowledge.  Logic breeds understanding, yet logic itself can be deceptive and misleading.  The appeal to a greater power and a greater knowledge would bring assurance that truth could be discovered, but how do I know when I am deceiving myself?  Is that voice in my head the voice of God (or God directing my thoughts), or is it simply a projection of my desire for God to exist and speak directly to me?

And this is the human condition.  I hate existence.